Mid-Week Summary

Summary of events from around the village;

With the closure of The Green Lamb all drinkers are welcome at Robin Goodfellow’s.  There’s a special offer on tonight where the last drink is free.

Preparations are underway for the May Festival.  Oak Hill Profanum School will select this year’s May Queen.

The Infestation Zone has spread to the Launderette.  The noises coming from inside are horrific  People are abandoning nearby houses.

There will be a book sale in the Village Hall on Friday.  Second-hand books selling for 50p.  Books for sale will include gardening, biographies and gardening biographies.

Lila Kaye entered the Infestation Zone this morning.  The skies were grey.  Her husband wept.

Old Tom Parr is offering free wool to any avid knitters in the village.  All he asks if for a nice warm jumper in exchange.  Contact Tom at the farmhouse to collect the wool.

Peter Burns, Daniel Bell and David Coleman have all bought their way out of the Draft.  Graffiti has been sprayed on walls reading “FUCK DANNY BELL” and “COLEMAN = COWARD”.

The Clock Tower is running seven minutes late!  We hope this didn’t make you late this morning!

The Infestation Zone grows.  Residents vanish.  All hope lies in the Draft.

The Draft Has Begun

Tensions are running high in the village, as the Extermination Draft descends on residents and associates.  Landlady Lila Kaye is the first person to be Drafted.  She will report to the Village Hall tomorrow morning to receive instructions and equipment needed for entering the Infestation Zone.  Lila would like residents to join her in The Green Lamb tonight for farewell drinks.

As a precautionary measure, the Launderette next to the Post Office has been closed down.  Washerwoman Cara Casana has reported hearing “scratching” at the walls as well as feeling a general sense of unrest when using the coin change machine.  The Village Council felt it was only a matter of time before the Infestation Zone spreads to the Launderette as well.

This means that the village has now lost the Post Office, the Launderette, Ashman’s Florists and The Green Lamb will be forced to close now that the landlady has been Drafted.

Meanwhile, several outside associates of Little Hixford have been flaunting their exemption from the Draft.  Townfolk Daniel Bell, David Coleman and Peter Burns used their family’s vast wealth to buy their way out of the Draft.  Paperwork filed this week means that these three men will never have to enter the ever-growing Infestation Zone.  And as Lila Kaye reports for her grim duty tomorrow morning, there is an awful lot of ill-will in the village towards these fancy members of the elite.

How To Dodge The Draft

With the Infestation Zone spreading, pets and animals dying and Mrs. O’Neall from the Post Office still missing, everyone is at sixes and sevens about the upcoming Draft.  The Village Council announced last week that anyone and everyone associated with Little Hixford is illegible to be forced into the Infestation Zone, to try and exterminate the “things” that live inside.

Here’s our guide to how you at home can Dodge The Draft.

• Convince your twin to take your place (although this probably only applies to June and Jennifer).
• Offer up your eldest offspring to take your place.  You might think barbaric, but it is a little known legal loophole that was introduced into Village Bylaws during a far more savage age (2002).
• Pretend that you’re actually from Greater Hixford and thus, ineligible (to achieve this you will need to somehow obtain a 6th finger on your right hand).

• Don’t try and fake your own death and assume a new identity like Black Roger The Newsagent did on Sunday night (nice try, Black Alan The Gardener, we all know who you really are).
• Create a new and much worse crises to take everyone’s time and attention away from The Infestation Zone and The Draft (and then try not to get caught up in this new terrifying disaster of your own making).

Ultimately, the best option is to make use of your family’s vast wealth and buy your way out of The Draft.

Equinox Disruptions

This weekend’s Spring Equinox celebrations will be disturbed by The Draft.

Due to the Infestation Zone claiming the Post Office, almost no one in the village has sent or received any Spring Equinox Cards.  “It’s such a shame.” said Rachel Verney “I always get a lovely Ishtar crucifixion card from me Aunty Britt, and I would always send her something festive with Mithras on it.  It’s a shame traditions are getting left behind.”

The Green Lamb has cancelled its annual “Death Of The Sun” celebration.  Landlady Lila Kaye said “What with the Draft and the Infestation Zone and Mrs. O’Neall from the Post Office still being missing, we’re not going ahead with the usual festivities at the pub.”  she said whilst cleaning a glass with a rag.  “I suppose folk can watch the sun setting on their own if they like.  I can’t stop them.”

The annual Spring Equinox Egg Exchange has also been cancelled this year, due to a lack of eggs.  Much like with the snakes at St. Patrick’s Day, we’ve been blighted by a mysterious lack of chickens.  We tried to ask Old Tom Parr what happened to all the chickens, but he was very agitated and all we could discern were the words “scratching, clawing” and “deadly eyes”.

Fear about the Draft is rampant in the village.  But a possible lifeline has been floated.  Rumours are circulating that there may be a way for people to buy their way out of the draft by bribing the Village Council.  More on this as it develops.

Emergency Announcement

The Village Council emerged from an emergency meeting this morning, with an announcement about the infestation problem at Ashman’s Florists and the Post Office.

The problems began when Mr. Ashman closed his Florists down due to an issue with unspecified vermin.  Howie tried to solve the problem by releasing two savage dogs into the building, but they were never heard from again (RIP Hawk & Animal).

Mr. Ashman made several pleas to try and find someone in the village with exterminating experience, but to no avail.  Three days ago the infestation got out of hand, when it spread over to the neighbouring Post Office.  Now, that vital village service has been forced to close its doors.

The Village Council called an emergency meeting last night to try and solve the problem, and were locked in debate for many hours.  This morning they have announced … an Extermination Draft!

“We need exterminators to tackle the problem,” said one of the members of the Village Council from beneath their hood.  “We need to find someone in the village to become an exterminator.  Usually in this situation, we’d put a little card up in the Post Office window, but that’s no good to us now.  The only option left is an Extermination Draft.”

The names of residents, associates, passersby and anyone with any connection to Little Hixford will be placed on a list.  These people will then be Drafted to enter what is now being called The Infestation Zone.  Once inside, the Drafted will have to try and tackle whatever it is that lives there.

The Village Council wanted to make clear that the Draft will apply to anyone and everyone.  “Please be reassured by the fact that no one is safe from the Extermination Draft.” said one of the hooded Councillors.  “If you’re reading this right now, you could be Drafted.”

Post Office Closed

The Post Office has been closed down today, and will remain closed for the foreseeable future.

The infestation at Ashman’s Florists has apparently spread next door to the Post Office.  Mr. Ashman hurriedly ushered customers out of the Post Office and locked the doors from the outside.

The customers themselves didn’t see anything, but did report hearing a “scratching” a “gnashing” and feeling a tremendous sense of ennui.

As yet, no one has heard from Mrs. O’Neall who runs the Post Office, but Howie Ashman has assured everyone that she is fine.  “She’s fine!” he volunteered without prompting.  “Mrs. O’Neall is fine!” he repeated several times.

The infestation at the florists has been persisting for weeks now.  Mr. Ashman has persistently asked for volunteers to come forward and tackle the problem, but to no avail.

But with a vital service like the Post Office compromised, is it now time for the Village Council to take action?

Festival Of Fools

The Festival Of Fools is upon us, and off to a great start!  Last night the local homeless community were all gathered together under the Clock Tower and given a veritable feast from Ketch & Sons Butchers, preparing them for their big day!

At 8 AM his morning, local residents came to the Clock Tower to swap clothes with the homeless.  Village residents exchanged their finest suits and dresses for the uncleaned clothes of homeless people.  Our well-off residents then handed over the keys to their homes and cars, as spectators cheered them on from the sidelines!

For the last 4 hours the monied village residents have been living as unwashed, homeless people.  Little Hixford’s richest man, Nick Boden, has been begging for spare change by the shops, loudly preaching that the world is going to end and having a lovely time doing it!  Meanwhile, local beggar Robbie Greene has crashed Boden’s shiny BMW into the duck pond, before inviting everyone back to “his” new house for a big party.

For the rest of the day you are encouraged to treat residents like Nick Boden and Will Kempe as if they are actually homeless.  For example, you can walk past them as if they don’t exist.  Or, if you do decide to give them some money, insist that they only spend it on things you approve of.

At 6 PM this evening the village will vote on who has been the best homeless person and crown them “King Of Fools”.

The Festival Of Fools will last until Sunrise, when all the homeless people are expected to leave the lovely warm homes and return to the streets and the clothes they originally had (of course we all remember what happened with Hugh Boone, the homeless man who refused to go back to his old life and now runs the village bank).

Mothering Sunday

Preparations for Mothering Sunday are nearly complete.

At 12 PM residents will meet in the Village Hall to publicly defend their life choices in front of an audience of Mothers.  This year, for the sake of efficiency, all adults involved in the arts are encouraged to save time and go straight to the Disappointment Circle.

The Green Lamb will be serving a Roast Beef Special all day.  Steaming hot plates of potatoes and vegetables will be served in the pub (whilst outside the pub, beef will be roasted as an offering to the Divine Mother).

Of course, the festivities won’t be open to everyone.  The Village Council have been checking phone records this week, and anyone who hasn’t been calling their mother at least once a week will be put in the stocks for the day.

Village Hall Open Day

The Village Hall is holding an open day from 9 o’clock tomorrow morning.  Tea, coffee and squash will be available to visitors, and there will be displays from local community groups who use the hall.

Mrs. O’Neill from the Post Office will be hosting a free Zumba Class at 10 o’clock.  Ben Willis, the fisherman, will be teaching a class on how to build a giant net in order to catch Timothy Thotcher (the missing Zober still bouncing through the village).  And Black Roger from the shop will be holding a seminar on prejudice & discrimination in the village.

There will also be a display from the Little Hixford Morris Dancers, who keep alive the proud and terrifying traditions of ancient Britain (this display is NOT suitable for children, the elderly or those who suffer from heart conditions, lung conditions, brain conditions or spiritual convictions).

Eagle-eyed visitors may also be able to spot members of the Village Council as they go about their various duties (though Council Members will of course be hooded whilst in public to protect their identities).

Missing Cat

Dortchen Wild has lost her cat – a black and brown tabby that answers to the name of “Willy”. Dortchen has asked neighbours around the Post Office and the Florists to look out for him.

If you do see a tabby cat that looks like Willy, please speak in a German accent to put him at ease.

Willy is just the latest pet in the village to go missing.  Several dogs and cats have gone missing in recent weeks.  And, of course, St. Patrick’s Snake Day was ruined by a lack of snakes.

The Village Council recommends keeping your pets inside until further notice.